A first draft

the happiness project

my tears run all over the linoleum floor

they spill over thresholds and window sills

and seep through cracks to the basement below

all griefs boiling

dissolving one into another

fire burn cauldron bubble

over heat stainless steel

unbonds

a bicycle bell,
chrome grill and trim find a sky blue cutlass to accessorize.

iron? thumping the line flat with sweet smelling starch.

and carbon, graphite--this poem.

a break-up done well, does that.

stainless steel doesn’t crack, cannot grow.

so how?

is it time passing?

is it a project? filling your life with friends and hiking and sailing lessons?

is it exercise and a rose garden?

daily meditation? a season of therapy?

is it joining okcupid

answering questions

messaging strangers

then coffee chemistry and falling in love

again?

tasting her breath? wine on her lips? the salt inside her thigh?

i think it is space

only

the possibility

between diffused atoms

a stance of mere willingness

(Prompted by the rune Inguz and Richard Ford's alloyed with loss.)

CBT

I had a good session with John on Tuesday. 2 good cries about Jack. "You were happy when you were with Jack. You loved Jack."

I am the main character in the Depression or Grief movie playing inside my head. When the main character is outside me, my child or my date, or an object like a soccer ball which I can step up and intercept, those movies are happy (or more likely to be happy I assume).

When I'm the main character, the movie is narcissistic, overflowing with self-consciousness.

John doesn't have a problem with my writing, per se, if I'm describing something outside me. But he is concerned when I write about myself. (Which is pretty damning since I write poetry and memoir. And these blog posts.)

I'm feeling enough, John said, I need to think my way out of the feelings--hence Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. By examining my thoughts, stop the movie (the feelings) before it starts.

This is where John's advice touches something new. I always thought my problem was I wasn't emotional enough. Whether I suppressing emotions, absorbing emotions, not expressing my emotions ... for the last few years I thought my work was emotional. I'm not sure John is contradicting this, but he says start with my thoughts. Notice my depressive pattern. When I start beating myself up, second guessing all the decisions I made with L, or start directing some anger at L, I should look at my thought and question it. What data do I have to support the thought? John used the word "data."

It seems consistent with mindfulness meditation. Stepping back from my thoughts and seeing where they come from.

Another tangent to our conversation was ... if something goes wrong, I fall back on my "good guy defense." I am a good person because I'm a gentleman, a boy scout. I follow the rules. I take out the trash. I pay my debts. I give up my seat on the bus. Believing I'm good, I battle the depression, the bad thoughts & feelings. I can hide there, safe, within the rules.

The Writing Part

Part of this Happiness Project is writing. I started that this morning. I have a Prologue and a Chapter 1 completely in mind--they could almost write themselves.

Prologue -- How did I get here? I've had agency. I've made the decisions.

I left my friends, my tennis and soccer buddies in New Jersey and moved to Seattle. I left a vibrant poetry scene in New York (and New Jersey--Princeton, Drew, Patterson). I chose a writer's life of solitude. I don't have a job--so I miss that social outlet and income. I live on the portion of my pension that survived the divorce. I moved 3000 miles away from my daughter. I recently broke off a relationship with a wonderful woman and am still deeply grieving Jack. Sackcloth and ashes. A life of denial.

Chapter 1 -- Denouement. I finally understand what "falling action" means. If the climax was the break-up, the denouement was the swarm of emotions engulfing me as I began to realize what I had done, what I had lost. I'd been merely surviving. I wasn't trying to make a life together with L. What doesn't grow, dies. I arrogantly perform euthanasia.

But I'm stuck. I'm full of doubts--with not a a single original one among them.

• In writing about myself, I write about others. I don't want to. I don't want to create caricatures. I don't want to "use" my friends.
• I doubt my skill. Can I write a description? Could I describe L to you?
• Is it fair to anyone new I meet, that they might provide content for this story?
• Is it fair to me? Can I have any hope of success in my project, if I'm keeping my writerly remove from the action?
• Is my recovery story of  any interest to anyone?

Moving forward is the thing. I have to just write. The goal here is to be happy--not to produce a book. I need a project. To be happy, I have to be working towards something. Happiness comes from pleasure but also from meaning and accomplishment. If at the end, the project doesn't work as a book. Fine. Maybe even a relief.

Chapter 1 is too fresh and painful. When I was writing Dear Denise, I constantly heard the advice that I was too close to the subject. "Maybe it would be better, Bill, if you let time pass and gain perspective." So I could choose to be kind to myself, and put this chapter aside. Some would argue it would make for a better book. But what if Chapter 1 part of the work I need to do? What if I can't get to happy unless I finish Chapter 1? I can rewrite later with perspective.

PS. I reviewed this post with my therapist John. I wanted to make sure I was respectful. His reaction was that the post was fine though he didn't understand this world of social media and blogging ... in fact it repelled him. He had concerns, though, about my abstracted, writerly self. That perhaps adopting a writer's personae got in the way of truly meeting people--being in the moment with them. Maybe it was the same thing Grace was saying in Dear Denise, when she said that my letters to Denise were a shield.

This is an old familiar concern of mine. I told John that he was finally getting me.

Our relationship is strong and I trust him. Maybe he is able, now, to help.

Matt Killingsworth on Mind Wandering

Be Here Now!

Live in the Moment!

Killingsworth has some data to back that up. From moment to moment experiences in real lives.

At minute 6 of this 10 minute 2012 TED talk, he starts presenting results. When our minds wander, when my mind wanders, it does often find my worries, anxieties and regrets. On average our minds wander 47% of the time, and even during sex, our minds wander 10% of the time.

The good news for me is that for reading and writing, my mind is with the words on the page. Yes I can drift when I read, but for the most part reading reins me back to the moment. Last night I woke almost every hour--I have my anxieties right now--but to calm myself, and to get myself back ready for sleep--I picked up David Shafer's Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Similarly I love my Sunday morning pick-up soccer with the guys. Yes, I can start wandering--beating myself up for a stupid pass or wondering what am I going to do at the Seahawks party at my ex-girl friend's ex's house. But a forward runs at me and the thrill of the game takes back over.

And now Ray LaMontagne, and "Be Here Now."

My friend sent me this clip early in our relationship. She was right. She was always trying to get me there until we stopped.

Footnote: Garner is right, WTF is a "paranoid, sarcastic, and clattering pop-thriller."

Notes to Self

Each day I work from a small dashboard and track tasks against projects:

Money / Find work: check & and apply on craigslist for part time office admin jobs. A friend gave me a nearby Starbucks manager's phone ... I left a message, dreading the call back. Friday was a good day for the S&P. Note to self: you let your happiness depend on the S&P?

okcupid/social/get out: I learned that the car2gos do flea downtown on a Saturday night. Not to self: wise to end a date in some other neighborhood.

I also found that it was simple (in 2 of 3 cases) to google the full names of women after a nice okcupid chat. Note to self: this is real! Can I be on okcupid if am looking for a friend and not a relationship? I listen to coaching from friends. Sure, maybe, if you're crystal clear. But if your're just looking for a friend, why do you screen for attractiveness?

Writing: nice workshop Saturday at Hugo House "Loss, text and Poems from the Fall." Note to self: stay with my tribe. I have daily homework: a reading log, an observation log and this from Virgil (Book IV, 740 741:

Look now, what can I do?
       Turn once again
To the old suitors, only to be
       laughed at -- 

This relates to a Brezny New Years horoscope that helped launch this project:

The fish known as the coelacanths were thought to have become extinct 66 million years ago. That was when they disappeared from the fossil record. But in 1938 a fisherman in South Africa caught a live coelacanth. Eventually, whole colonies were discovered in the Indian Ocean off the east coast of Africa and near Indonesia. I foresee a comparable phenomenon happening in your life during the coming months, Virgo. An influence you believed to have disappeared from your life will resurface. Should you welcome and embrace it? Here's what I think: Only if you're interested in its potential role in your future, not because of a nostalgic attachment.

Dear Denise: Friday I submitted (went to a real post office) to Algonquin.

I need this list of tasks to face each day. It's my rudder--to hold my keel against the water and push me forward.

OK OKCupid

It would be irresponsible not to try OKcupid. (Note to self: keep the identity of my account a secret. How?)

How is OKcupid part of the happiness project? I want to find a friend that will be a tour guide, take me hiking. I will pay for gas.

I'm serious--that's my conceit. I can't hide the fact that I ride the bus, take car2go, stay trapped within my urban Home Area.

Huh!? Why don't you try hiking meetups? Go to REI and look at their calendar & bulletin board? I did! I will!

What have I learned so far.

• Even if friends say,"have fun with it, stay light-hearted," this is a not game
• It is clarifying. Writing the profile, answering the questions, staying honest ... it's useful
• I'm relieved that I've scored only the tiniest bit More Arrogant than the average personality
• It is hard not get depressed. All the lonely people, myself included, where do they all come from

Get happy. Stay with it until you're sure it's wrong.

I welcome any pointers, advice.

The Happiness Project

Now there are two ways to save at Sundance Seattle

ORCA Card Mondays: Only $5 per ticket when you show us your ORCA card at the box office.

Girls Movie Night Out Tuesdays: Only $5 per ticket every Tuesday night for groups of two or more ladies. 

I ride the bus. I hear the first step is admitting you have a problem. It isn't the bus, per se, I like its progressiveness, its humanity, and the economics. But it does cramp my style. Maybe ORCA night out at Sundance is where I'll find my support group.

Friends out there: would you go out on a date with someone who walks you in the Seattle drizzle to a bus stop?