Prologue -- How did I get here? I've had agency. I've made the decisions.
I left my friends, my tennis and soccer buddies in New Jersey and moved to Seattle. I left a vibrant poetry scene in New York (and New Jersey--Princeton, Drew, Patterson). I chose a writer's life of solitude. I don't have a job--so I miss that social outlet and income. I live on the portion of my pension that survived the divorce. I moved 3000 miles away from my daughter. I recently broke off a relationship with a wonderful woman and am still deeply grieving Jack. Sackcloth and ashes. A life of denial.
Chapter 1 -- Denouement. I finally understand what "falling action" means. If the climax was the break-up, the denouement was the swarm of emotions engulfing me as I began to realize what I had done, what I had lost. I'd been merely surviving. I wasn't trying to make a life together with L. What doesn't grow, dies. I arrogantly perform euthanasia.
But I'm stuck. I'm full of doubts--with not a a single original one among them.
- In writing about myself, I write about others. I don't want to. I don't want to create caricatures. I don't want to "use" my friends.
- I doubt my skill. Can I write a description? Could I describe L to you?
- Is it fair to anyone new I meet, that they might provide content for this story?
- Is it fair to me? Can I have any hope of success in my project, if I'm keeping my writerly remove from the action?
- Is my recovery story of any interest to anyone?
Moving forward is the thing. I have to just write. The goal here is to be happy--not to produce a book. I need a project. To be happy, I have to be working towards something. Happiness comes from pleasure but also from meaning and accomplishment. If at the end, the project doesn't work as a book. Fine. Maybe even a relief.
Chapter 1 is too fresh and painful. When I was writing Dear Denise, I constantly heard the advice that I was too close to the subject. "Maybe it would be better, Bill, if you let time pass and gain perspective." So I could choose to be kind to myself, and put this chapter aside. Some would argue it would make for a better book. But what if Chapter 1 part of the work I need to do? What if I can't get to happy unless I finish Chapter 1? I can rewrite later with perspective.
PS. I reviewed this post with my therapist John. I wanted to make sure I was respectful. His reaction was that the post was fine though he didn't understand this world of social media and blogging ... in fact it repelled him. He had concerns, though, about my abstracted, writerly self. That perhaps adopting a writer's personae got in the way of truly meeting people--being in the moment with them. Maybe it was the same thing Grace was saying in Dear Denise, when she said that my letters to Denise were a shield.
This is an old familiar concern of mine. I told John that he was finally getting me.
Our relationship is strong and I trust him. Maybe he is able, now, to help.
PS. I reviewed this post with my therapist John. I wanted to make sure I was respectful. His reaction was that the post was fine though he didn't understand this world of social media and blogging ... in fact it repelled him. He had concerns, though, about my abstracted, writerly self. That perhaps adopting a writer's personae got in the way of truly meeting people--being in the moment with them. Maybe it was the same thing Grace was saying in Dear Denise, when she said that my letters to Denise were a shield.
This is an old familiar concern of mine. I told John that he was finally getting me.
Our relationship is strong and I trust him. Maybe he is able, now, to help.
No comments:
Post a Comment